Dampening OCD

Posted on July 17, 2021 by Admin

I am realising that the coping mechanism of dampening inputs, goes beyond lessening autistic responses.

I don’t know if my OCD is a part of the autism, but the dampening helps it enormously.

Just like regular people stop hearing repetitive noises after prolonged exposure, my brain has learned to dampen all inputs (sounds, smells, physical sensations, interactions with people) so that I can cope.

My OCD is real, but rarely externalised beyond quite common traits like straightening things or fidgeting. I am obsessed with removing stray hairs that are missed from shaving… but nothing detrimental to me or too obvious to others.

I have had phases though, like not stepping on cracks – but they always disappear, even after years – though they are always there waiting to return, hiding around the corner.

The worst were suicidal thoughts, because I am not suicidal, I’m about as far from that as anyone can be. But once the thought enters my head, it can be persistent, in specific situations.

My fear of heights is pretty much a fear that I could choose to jump.

At train stations, for years, I would hold onto a post in case I decided to jump in front of a train. I wasn’t wanting to, but I feared that I might choose to. Two different things.

I had the same when driving, the idea that I could cross over into oncoming traffic. On occasions I would have to pull over… the equivalent of grabbing a post at the train station.

My OCD is primarily internal – repetitive thoughts. They are mostly an annoyance, thinking the same thing in the same situation, for no benefit. Every time it is my turn to play online Scrabble with Deborah, I hear the chorus of the T Rex song of the same name. Multiply that by hundreds of every day situations and if you put a regular person in my head, they would instantly go insane.

I have to read every sign I walk past, even though I already know what it says.

I have often thought about being a stalker. Every possibility on the spectrum of good/evil crosses my mind at some time, that I could do or be something good or evil. Evil is more dramatic and interesting to think about.

But here’s the thing – nothing catches on, I don’t externalise much, and I cope with the persistent thoughts. They are a lingering oddity, that are always there. I think I have got off lightly because my brain dampens everything, including the obsessive, repetitive thoughts.

The dampening is also detrimental:

  • I am crap at cooking, I don’t pay attention. My desire to pay attention is dampened
  • I couldn’t pay attention at school. Some kids/teachers thought I was always stoned. No, I was simply dampening inputs
  • I don’t notice romantic advances. Because I could obsessively get things wrong, I have dampened that input. I literally have said no to someone inviting me back to their place for a cup of tea. So women have to really make it clear and obvious
  • Likewise I don’t make advances, it is necessarily something that has been dampened, otherwise I would become the serial hitting-on-women pest creep we all dislike
  • A few times in dangerous/emergency situations I calmly observe instead of reacting, responding or helping – this is not good

These are all things that in theory I can actively overcome. For example, on occasion I let myself feel emotions when watching the news. Without the dampening I would cry every time I watched the news – but I do seem to let it happen sometimes.

Gun to my head could I concentrate while cooking and not overcook/burn something? Absolutely.

 

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Late Diagnosis

Posted on June 11, 2020 by Admin

Tom Cutler was diagnosed late, like me. And unlike most medical diagnoses, it was good news, it solved the why. A couple of excerpts from his excellent article, all of which I relate to:

During one pub lunch, after I’d wolfed down a sandwich while they laughed and chatted over their roast beef one of them asked me sharply, “Why do you never savour a meal?” My aloof social disposition was damaging friendships. People have told me that when I think I am smiling, I’m actually frowning. I was astonished recently when somebody showed me photographs of myself at a wedding. Everyone around me was smiling beautifully. I looked positively unpleasant.

…when I was studying art at university, bohemian parties were frequent. I would force myself to go but usually ended up alone, looking through bookshelves or staring into my glass. I always seemed to say the wrong thing and people found me brusque, abrupt, or stupefyingly rude.

…Among my other special interests are vehicle numberplate typography, the shapes disguised as letters used on eye-test charts, and above all British road sign design.

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Internal Inconsistencies

Posted on February 26, 2020 by Admin

When watching movie/TV, and I am engaged, I can easily suspend belief with the most ridiculous scenarios. But the internal logic needs to work. When it doesn’t I can rattle off my issues with it as a list at the end.

I wouldn’t notice if someone’s watch was on the left wrist one scene and right wrist the next. That’s a mistake, not bad writing.

I’m watching Safe on Netflix… so far… off the top of my head:

  • The surgeon releases stress by punching a bag – that’s not a thing
  • Bright daylight becomes night in the time it takes to walk half a mile
  • Someone gets the IP address of a text message and manages to install a tracker on their phone
  • Someone falls into a lake but when they climb into the car shortly after they are dry
  • They are struggling to get a body up warehouse steps and then suddenly they are back home with the body – which would’ve taken more effort
  • In a car chase the chased gets a 5 second advantage and the chaser instantly says, well we’ve lost him
  • The police don’t immediately check the CCTV of the gated community
  • The “suspects” try to act normal by having a BBQ, with no guests and no sound and high fences – nobody would have noticed
  • The blood on the sweat shirt is way too substantial for the blood nose of the fight he broke up. It was sodden
  • And, sorry, but the ethnic mix in a gated estate in the UK seems forced, too PC
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Routine and Home vs Travel and Work

Posted on December 17, 2019 by Admin

It is 5am and I was just explaining this to someone, in a dream.

In the dream I had fled from something wrong in my life, and ended up in a commune. I knew two people there, a boss and a brother-in-law from a previous life. Both were nice people, but I had struggled to become “friends” with them in the past, despite effort.

The ex-boss (female) and I quickly formed a relationship – it was that kind of a commune. She asked me how my day had been, working with the ex-brother-in-law, doing handyman stuff.

I told her that I really wanted to put effort in, to make conversation, but I couldn’t. I was tired. Not physically tired but tired from the effort to fit in somewhere new.

Autistic people are well known for needing routine. That is their home, because routine and home are where you don’t have to try to fit in. All that effort has been completed. As a kid you keep trying to count to 100 until you can without trying – it has been completed.

I reached that point after being at my current job for maybe 3 years – it is too complex to know exactly when. I went from being incapable of socialising and being paranoid about even asking a question like where is the bathroom? to when I stopped having to put any effort in. Three years and I got there, and I now enjoy my work because it is a home.

I guess that explains why those on the spectrum tend to be very loyal employees.

It also explains why I can get depressed when I travel alone. The worst is when I am on a journey, travelling to somewhere new every day or two. The complete lack of routine and familiarity, the need to learn to count to 100 again every day, is exhausting.

Familiarity – derived from family.

I now finally get why people want to stay on the same beach for two weeks and go back every year. Even though it isn’t adventurous enough for me, and boring (there’s only so many books I can read), I should look into this more.

Any travelling on my own could be done differently…

I will search for a base, where every year I can be adventurous nearby, but still have familiarity. Same hotel, same restaurants, same bar, but different adventures, every day.

It could be a stopover, one week familiar on the way to one week somewhere new.

It could be somewhere with lots of hiking and ancient history.

Being cheap would be useful also!

Good, some research to do 🙂 and I have learned something new about myself. From a dream.

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I Get Angry

Posted on December 14, 2019 by Admin

Everybody gets angry sometimes. It is a human trait we all have, and it is widely disliked and discouraged.

I would guess even the Dalai Lama gets angry sometimes, but he internalises it, and smiles.

I never display anger, but I experience it. I think even as a young child I had learnt, like many autistic traits, I needed to keep it hidden or be judged by it.

Primarily from observing fellow family members I have worked out when I get angry, and why.

Disappointment. I’m just guessing here, but autistic people, in order to behave normally, need to plan ahead. We love routine, and we hate unpredictable situations, so we try to have all possibilities covered in our heads.

Mistakenly, we often presume something will go as planned, and ignore the possibility that they won’t. This may be connected to the second reason, below.

My best example is food. If I am told that dinner will be lamb chops, and all day long that is in the back of my mind, I expect lamb chops. If what I actually have is different, I get angry. Even though it makes no material difference to my world, I get angry. Even if it is replaced with something I like more, say lamb shanks, I get angry. Of course yelling and throwing the new meal on the floor benefits nobody.

Failure. We different people tend to do the things we do well very, very well. When we fail to live up to our own expectations, we can get upset. Think John McEnroe or Nick Kyrgios – high achievers who still get upset when things were less than perfect.

That’s OK. But what is much, much worse is when you get criticised for something you believe you did well, or ethically, or somebody else caused the failure. This is rare, but when it happens, I simply do not cope.

I know yelling won’t help, and crying is just embarrassing, so I walk away. I literally walk away. On multiple occasions I have walked out from a job, never saying a word and never returning. Losing income is better than the alternatives. I left an early marriage the same way.

Every time I have been punched, I simply walk away. It is the best outcome.

If I ever “snap” because of things going wrong in my life, me not reaching my own expectations, I already know my response. I will walk, and keep going, probably with no destination in mind.

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Think Too Much, Feel Too Much

Posted on November 24, 2019 by Admin

This isn’t news to me. I have been saying this for years. Autism is a response to thinking and feeling more than neuro-typical folk. It is a defence mechanism. While we might appear to have the least empathy, ultimately we have too much.

Bringing his world-class research to bear on the problem, he devised a radical new theory of the disorder: People like Kai don’t feel too little; they feel too much. Their senses are too delicate for this world.
https://www.salon.com/2019/11/16/how-a-neuroscientists-infant-son-revolutionized-our-understanding-of-autism/

Individuals with autism spectrum disorder often report that looking in the eyes of others is uncomfortable for them, that it is terribly stressful, or even that “it burns.” Traditional accounts have suggested that ASD is characterized by a fundamental lack of interpersonal interest; however, the results of our study align with other recent studies showing oversensitivity.

I had a moment when I worked as a tram conductor in the 90s. Most the job was boring and invited a lot of thoughts about the nature of being. I looked at everyone sitting in their seats and chose to feel their sadness. And I felt it. Not the specifics of their sadness, just the feeling. Under the brave face they were wearing. Every single person at that moment had deep underlying sadness. And everyone ultimately, regardless of the journey they attempt to achieve it, just wants love.

I’m not good at expressing and interpreting feelings, because I feel them too much, not because I lack them. And I’m one of the lucky ones who only has a tinge of it, and can pass for normal. Those people who rock/stim to cope, I cannot be around them, for I know what hell they are going through. And it hurts.

 

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The Woodcutter

Posted on November 5, 2019 by Admin

I have no idea which book/movie/whatever inspired it, but I had a teen fantasy about being a woodcutter. It was my way of working out the simplest world that would make me feel complete and happy – the opposite of the craziness and misery I felt as a young adult.

  • I wanted to live deep in a forest and be a woodcutter
  • I wanted a wife and children and live in a log cabin
  • I wanted to protect them from bears

Practicalities didn’t matter – this was a fantasy that summed up my primal needs. Do meaningful work, have love, and look after others.

Twenty years later I achieved it… the cottage was a McMansion, the job was marketing, and there was nothing scary to protect my family from. But I got the family part right.

Last week I was as far away from my family as I could possibly be, where polar bears outnumber humans. And there are no trees (too cold). My family is only 42% of what it was before – no wife, but 50% of kids and dogs. No home that feels like home.

My new fantasy is:

  • My own little self-sufficient farm
  • Animals to love and look after
  • Something evil to bring down using the Internet

The basics are still the same, and I think primally they are the same for most men. We just need to find a way to make it work in a very complex world.

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The Extrovert Aspy

Posted on September 14, 2019 by Admin

Copy and pasting this in full, it is that good, found here:

One of the central characteristics of autism in DSM 5 is a deficit in social communication and social interaction. The social and interpersonal aspects of life are a challenge, so how does the person who has autism adapt to these challenges? Clinical experience suggests there are three potential adaptations: the introvert, the “intensive” extrovert, and the “camouflaging” extrovert.

The Introvert

The more easily recognized adaptation is that of the person who could be described as an introvert. The child (and subsequent adult) actively minimizes or avoids social engagement, recognizing that social interaction is indecipherably complex, overwhelming, and stressful. This conspicuous adaptation, therefore, is to choose (where possible) to be alone to accomplish things while not necessarily feeling lonely.

But we are increasingly recognizing those people with autism who are extroverts and highly motivated to socialize. For these people, there are two potential adaptations that facilitate social engagement.

The “Intrusive” Extrovert

The first of these two adaptations is to actively seek social experiences, even though the person may not be able to read all the subtle social signals that regulate and moderate the intensity of social engagement. Due to impaired theory of mind, those who have autism often have difficulties reading the nonverbal communication used in a social interaction. Their social behavior is then perceived as intrusive, intense, and irritating. A metaphor to describe this adaptation to autism is that of a driver who does not see the traffic signals (nonverbal communication) or abide by the traffic code (social conventions). They are unable to accurately read social situations and therefore act inappropriately. While there is considerable motivation for social interaction and making friends, these experiences may nevertheless be ended prematurely by the social partner. The consequence is that the person feels bitterly disappointed that conversations, friendships, and relationships are short-lived, and social popularity remains elusive. Another issue is that once friendship is achieved, the person can become possessive, idealizing their new friend with an intensity that is overwhelming. When the friendship or relationship ends, there can be intense despair and feelings of abandonment, betrayal, and of being misunderstood.

The “Camouflaging” Extrovert

The second adaptation for the person with autism who is an extrovert is to recognize their difficulties in reading nonverbal communication and in making and keeping friends. With this insight, they acquire successful social and interpersonal abilities by keenly observing peers and people in general, analyzing their social behavior, and interpreting and abiding by social rules and conventions, thus effectively camouflaging their social difficulties. The person creates a social “mask.” This third adaptation to autism—camouflaging—which was first recognized as an adaptation to autism by girls and women, but which we now recognize as also occurring with males.

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Suicide

Posted on September 10, 2019 by Admin

People on the Autism Spectrum are substantially more likely to consider suicide and also to do it (from memory it is 6x more and 2x more).

This makes sense when you consider my 4 word summary of people with Asperger’s – Think More, Feel More.

We typically over-think everything, and are a lot more emotional. Being withdrawn and “lacking empathy” are actually coping mechanisms, to deal with the overload of feelings. If I accidentally stood on an ant, I am sure I would literally cry, if I hadn’t spent my whole life adjusting my behaviour to be more normal.

When I was younger I contemplated it in theory many times, but when I attempted it, I surprised myself. It kinda came out of nowhere, but was clearly from an accumulation of desperate loneliness, alienation and being in a situation I didn’t have the skills to cope with.

It was also, perhaps, the best thing I ever failed. Because I also “think more”, suicide is the most irrational thing imaginable. It has ever since been something that is stupid to even contemplate. And I have loved being alive more because of it.

  • You only live once (probably)
  • Any form of existence is better than nothing (perhaps)
  • But here’s the kicker – if you are so low you want to end things, that is most likely the worst things will ever get. Which means your future must be better. Which means the whole rest of your life could be an existence where you don’t think that way again.

I have since known numerous suicidal people, and been in situations where I was involved as someone they could talk to. I am no expert, have no training, have read no books on the topic – but I think I have been helpful (they are all still alive).

I think my approach comes from being on the spectrum – I talk logic to them. I don’t discuss the situation they are in, or family, or the past, or how it is selfish. They are all on the emotional side of things that got them there. I just explain that it is a stupid, illogical thing to do, especially as I know from experience that things will definitely get better. I mention all the nice possibilities in their future they will never get to have. And I tell them that it is their choice, but doing it would be nonsensical. I make a point of saying it is a choice, and they get to decide. I figure that is different to their state of mind which is suggesting there is no choice, that there is only one way out.

I have known people who have killed themselves. I just never got to discuss it with them. I think that’s my point. Be the person they will want to talk to.

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Non-Verbal

Posted on August 25, 2019 by Admin

Supposedly 80% of communication is non-verbal.

I know that, without a doubt, when you remove seeing the person who is talking from the equation, I struggle.

Don’t get me wrong – I get less information non-verbally, socially, than neuro-typical folk. But I get less information in general, and less of what is already less makes things worse.

The reason I know this… in my 20s I travelled a lot. I was in foreign lands more than NZ. I phoned my parents as frequently as I could (it was very expensive back then, pay phones).

And I had to be drunk to call them. These are the people I knew the most in my life, by far, obviously. I could picture them saying something easily. They are the people I had conversed with the most, by far. And yet, with only a voice to get social clues from, I found it immensely difficult, almost impossible, to call them.

Yet another example of how for me personally, alcohol was a saviour. It took the edge off an overwhelming environment.

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