A huge aspect of my “condition” is familiarity. For example, where I currently work, for my first year there, I literally didn’t have a casual conversation with anyone. I dressed quite formally, and I was pretty much terrified that I would make a mistake. These days I am massively comfortable there, even bold at times. No wonder Aspys are know for their work loyalty.
Last night I went to 2 venues that were new to me, The Croxton to see The Damned, and a goth night at The Sub Club.
Because the Croxton hosted the Eagles of Death Metal a few years back, and the same band was attacked by terrorists in Paris on my birthday, and the night’s band was called The Damned, I had it in my head that an attack was unlikely but possible. I spent a good half hour on an exit strategy.
I was drunk at Sub Club but not drunk enough to get loose. At a familiar venue with the same people and music I would’ve been dancing all night. As it was, I got loose around 3am for 10 minutes. I was verging on memory loss to get to that happy, carefree state.
I said this here 6 years ago:
For me personally, I get claustrophobic – too much going on in one place. When I enter a large social situation (rock concert, wedding, lecture) I will usually be against a wall and close to an exit – in case I need to escape. But these apply mostly to new situations. Repeated situations don’t have me on guard nearly as much.
I recall four occasions from my first year of primary school, and all seem relevant now.
At the end of my first day I was meant to meet my older cousins at the front gate, which was a large stone arch. Unfortunately there was a gate that looked exactly the same at the rear of the school. My cousins didn’t turn up, and I knew it was a short walk straight down the road so I headed off. And got lost. Long-story short I knocked on someone’s door and declared that I was lost. And I had memorised my parent’s phone number.
During lunch breaks I would often stand just outside my classroom and try and work out what everyone else was doing and why. I would stare at some drainpipes, I think to make it look I was doing something and not being 100% odd. And every-time I stood there the same pop song would play in my head over and over again. The song and place belonged to each other. There was no shaking it.
There was a soccer field and I used to watch the kids play soccer from quite some distance away, and I yearned to join in. But I couldn’t work out how. It made me very sad.
I went to a birthday party at a girl’s home, with plenty of my classmates present. Her father was a policeman. Despite encouragement I didn’t really participate in the games, and wouldn’t eat any cake. I just leant against the wall and observed. I didn’t mind, but it bothered me that it bothered them.
We changed towns a few times and that didn’t help with making friends, but I was always going to struggle regardless. The basic rule was that the oddest kid in the school would latch on to me and he would be my friend. As long as my friend was talkative, I never minded who they were. They did tend to be the type that got bullied, and I wasn’t a good friend in those situations. Empathy clearly wasn’t there at that age, though self-preservation was strong in me.
I was bullied consistently throughout childhood, even by girls. All it took was four factors combined – I hung out with the wrong people, I was clever, I was aloof, and my reactions were always wrong, such as smiling when I shouldn’t. Two factors meant that I was never beaten up, despite dozens of attempts each year – I was clever (good for hiding), and I ran very, very fast.
Crying in hiding places was very common for me.
At home I was a pretty active kid, lots of interests, got on OK with my siblings, plenty of exploring outdoors and bike riding, to balance the reading and music listening (and later, computers). I would listen to the Top 40 countdown every Sunday and religiously chart the new positions in a scrapbook. I’ve loved listening to pop music, but didn’t appear to have much musical talent. So I tried to find patterns in the songs I liked, and patterns in the changing chart positions.
At school, in classrooms, I had two states of being – zoned out or class clown. I don’t know which came first, shutting out the sensory inputs arising from 30 kids in a room, or staring out the window from boredom because the studies were too easy. As a young adult everyone thought I was a stoner (although I would never touch drugs, then), because I was zoned out. It was a coping mechanism.
School camps and dances were awkward. They were highly social situations for confident kids, and even though I witnessed a lot of flirting between genders, and beyond, I could never work out how I could do the same. It was a foreign language.
Stimming.
I never rocked, that I can recall. I would chew on pens and fidget, but nothing like rocking. I know now that I’ve always wanted to, I guess I just didn’t because nobody else did. Trying to be normal has been a constant in my life.
Posted inYouth|Comments Off on Asperger’s in my childhood
Extreme sensory issues. …sensory dysfunctions. These include mild, moderate, or extreme sensitivity to noise, crowds, bright lights, strong tastes, smells, and touch.
Social “cluelessness.” What’s the difference between a civil greeting and a signal of romantic interest? How loud is too loud? When is okay to talk about your personal issues or interests?
Anxiety and depression. …We don’t know whether the autism causes the mood disorders, or whether the disorders are the result of social rejection and frustration.
Lack of executive planning skills.
Emotional disregulation. Contrary to popular opinion, people with autism have plenty of emotions. In fact, people with autism can become far too emotional in the wrong situations. Imagine a 16-year-old bursting into tears because of a change in plans, or a grown woman melting down completely because her car won’t start. These are the types of issues that can arise for people with high functioning autism, who are capable of doing a great many things ONLY when the situation is predictable, and no obstacles arise.
Difficulty with transitions and change. Lots of people have a hard time with change, but people with high functioning autism take the issue to a whole new level.
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I’ve just read about these and suddenly something about me makes sense. I’ve never understood why people have trouble continuing to eat if someone at the table says poo or farts or whatever. Some people literally get up and leave. Not me, doesn’t bother me in the slightest.
You see a stranger stub her toe and you immediately flinch in sympathy, or you notice a friend wrinkle up his face in disgust while tasting some food and suddenly your own stomach recoils at the thought of eating.
… For mirror neurons appear to let us “simulate” not just other people’s actions, but the intentions and emotions behind those actions. When you see someone smile, for example, your mirror neurons for smiling fire up, too, creating a sensation in your own mind of the feeling associated with smiling. You don’t have to think about what the other person intends by smiling. You experience the meaning immediately and effortlessly.
The mirror neuron system also appears to allow us to decode (receive and interpret) facial expressions. Whether we are observing a specific expression or making it ourselves (a frown of disgust, for example) the same regions of our brain become activated. And the better we are at interpreting facial expressions, the more active our mirror neuron system.
These findings suggest that the mirror neuron system plays a key role in our ability to empathize and socialize with others, for we communicate our emotions mostly through facial expressions. And, indeed, studies have found that people with autism—a disorder characterized, in part, by problems during social interactions—appear to have a dysfunctional mirror neuron system. http://www.brainfacts.org/brain-basics/neuroanatomy/articles/2008/mirror-neurons/
I don’t completely lack them. I can’t watch someone being cut in a movie, or injected. But what do I feel when someone smiles? Not as much as others, it seems. Which explains why I don’t usually smile back.
Like any Aspy, I can only speak for myself, but as someone who also has some minor magic going on, I reckon there might be a connection.
I think one aspect of my Aspergers is a tug-of-war between ritual and random, between patterns and noise, between routine and chaos. Routine and ritual is my safety, and at the same time it hamstrings me. So every minute of every hour of every day is that moment when a young bird first flaps its wings and flies. I force randomness into my life, and I’ve just started consciously noticing that I do this.
People with autism or Asperger’s syndrome are often inclined to develop intense, very narrow fields of interests. There is also a tendency to develop repetitive behaviors and routines, some of which may make life very difficult for the family, and be very hard to change. http://www.autism-help.org/behavior-compulsions-routines-rituals.htm
More than this, I tend to get stuck with repetitive thoughts when coming across the same triggers on a regular basis. For example, in online Scrabble one of the people I play with, who I have never met, is called Darlene. Every time I play a move against her, I hear the song Jolene in my head. Every single time. After many months I am trying to train myself to stop this, and so far I have been unsuccessful. Every day when walking to my car I see a sign for Rules Transport, and I think of Wendy Rule and I think the exact same thought every time.
Multiply the above by 100 each day and I guess it would drive some folk mad, but it’s just me and doesn’t bother me at all.
Just like having songs playing in my head all the time, even songs I don’t like. The same songs over and over again. Recently in The Walking Dead this was used as a form of torture. I’m used to it.
Magic, and I’m talking about spellcraft that actually works (as opposed to Harry Potter), is generally created from spells, ritual and invocation. It involves fixating on something, which is something Aspies do well.
Perhaps my obsessive, repetitive thoughts are akin to magic? I certainly achieve low-level magic without consciously trying.
Could my obsessive, repetitive thoughts generate magic, without any intent on my part? And if my magic is intended, am I more suited to pulling it off than the neuro-typical?
Someone on Reddit says:
As for what I think of Aspergers and it’s potential relation to the occult, mysticism, and animistic cultural concepts, I think it’s something that compliments one another, with it’s own brand of dangers. Too much obsession can really… make you go a bit bonkers, and that happens already often in a general sense for occultists. You could bumble into something you really didn’t think about, and for me, emotions can make me do some meticulously but poorly thought out actions.
In my own case, I am a person with Asperger’s Syndrome (described as an autism spectrum disorder). Among other things, this disorder causes delays and distortions in sensory processing functions, weird shifts of focus, difficulty in shifting between inner and outer world demands, and an inability to multi-task. Asperger’s people are also known to go in for ritualistic actions, and are often fascinated with patterns and visual imagery.
Way more info on this topic can be found here. I’m certainly not the first person to conceive of this link.
Posted inMagic|Comments Off on Aspergers, Ritual and Magic
There’s a big problem with bestselling books that discuss autism – they are the success stories. They are about unique individuals who overcome the hurdles of their genetics.
Just like a biography of a pop or track star, they are the odd-ones-out. The majority of people who put in the same amount of dedication fail to improve their lot by enough to be book-worthy.
So it is a relief to see an ordinary account of dealing with an Aspie child!
Since he had no real friends, just some kids in his special-ed classroom whom he’d talk with fitfully, I was his sole audience.
Lately I have noticed books such as Jennifer Elder’s Different Like Me and Jennifer Cook O’Toole’s The Asperkid’s (Secret) Book of Social Rules, which promise to deliver guidance to young Aspergians. I don’t know who reads these books, but even if they’d been available in 2009, they would have been no use to Carson: he simply wasn’t interested in getting along in the world.
Posted inUncategorized|Comments Off on Not everyone is a remarkable success
My memory is unreliable. Some things I try my very best to commit to memory, and fail terribly. Most notably people’s names. It is only some names I fail to recall, and never anyone who has a substantial presence in my life. But I do fare way more poorly than the average person.
Ask me to tell a single joke and I will struggle. Yet I have seen a lot of standup comedy, I enjoy immensely.
Yet other things I remember very well. Typically things that I have a peculiar interest in, like science.
My best guess to why I remember some things and not others is:
I remember for my own purposes or amusement
I don’t remember for the purpose of sharing with others
I don’t remember for social purposes
Because I try, and fail, with many people’s names – I reckon I spend a good 5 minutes each day try to remember a name or two – I guess it is hardwired. Hardwired anti-social. Not that I want it that way.
——-
Perhaps along similar lines, I have literally had hundreds of drunken nights where I can’t recall the last few hours the next day.
Of course, I have analyzed those nights a bit. Seems that the most common trigger for memory switching off is when I can reasonably predict what will happen next. Like getting into a cab and heading home. It is as if my brain conserves whatever few strengths it has left for something more important. Thirty minutes of sitting silently in a cab, struggling with the front door lock and collapsing in bed – these are standard and not worthy of remembering.
Posted inSocial|Comments Off on Remembering Names Poorly (But Other Stuff Well)
In recent times it has been suggested that rather than Aspergers folk being unfeeling, they actually feel much more and consequently shut down as a survival mechanism.
Perhaps we think too much as well?
Over Thinking
Over Feeling
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I noticed on HuffPost that official numbers for children on the autism spectrum has risen. In 2012 it was 1-in-88 and now it is 1-in-68 – in the USA. It is still primarily detected in males, 1-in-42 and white populations. Across the sexes it was 1-in-45 in New Jersey, compared to 1-in-175 in Alabama, highlighting the racial disparity.
Taking the stats one step further, for boys in New Jersey it would be more like 1-in-35, or in other words, one per school class.
One reason for the increased numbers is the inclusion of Aspergers into the spectrum of autism.
Posted inScience|Comments Off on Autism Now More Prevalent
