It is 5am and I was just explaining this to someone, in a dream.
In the dream I had fled from something wrong in my life, and ended up in a commune. I knew two people there, a boss and a brother-in-law from a previous life. Both were nice people, but I had struggled to become “friends” with them in the past, despite effort.
The ex-boss (female) and I quickly formed a relationship – it was that kind of a commune. She asked me how my day had been, working with the ex-brother-in-law, doing handyman stuff.
I told her that I really wanted to put effort in, to make conversation, but I couldn’t. I was tired. Not physically tired but tired from the effort to fit in somewhere new.
Autistic people are well known for needing routine. That is their home, because routine and home are where you don’t have to try to fit in. All that effort has been completed. As a kid you keep trying to count to 100 until you can without trying – it has been completed.
I reached that point after being at my current job for maybe 3 years – it is too complex to know exactly when. I went from being incapable of socialising and being paranoid about even asking a question like where is the bathroom? to when I stopped having to put any effort in. Three years and I got there, and I now enjoy my work because it is a home.
I guess that explains why those on the spectrum tend to be very loyal employees.
It also explains why I can get depressed when I travel alone. The worst is when I am on a journey, travelling to somewhere new every day or two. The complete lack of routine and familiarity, the need to learn to count to 100 again every day, is exhausting.
Familiarity – derived from family.
I now finally get why people want to stay on the same beach for two weeks and go back every year. Even though it isn’t adventurous enough for me, and boring (there’s only so many books I can read), I should look into this more.
Any travelling on my own could be done differently…
I will search for a base, where every year I can be adventurous nearby, but still have familiarity. Same hotel, same restaurants, same bar, but different adventures, every day.
It could be a stopover, one week familiar on the way to one week somewhere new.
It could be somewhere with lots of hiking and ancient history.
Being cheap would be useful also!
Good, some research to do 🙂 and I have learned something new about myself. From a dream.