Everybody gets angry sometimes. It is a human trait we all have, and it is widely disliked and discouraged.
I would guess even the Dalai Lama gets angry sometimes, but he internalises it, and smiles.
I never display anger, but I experience it. I think even as a young child I had learnt, like many autistic traits, I needed to keep it hidden or be judged by it.
Primarily from observing fellow family members I have worked out when I get angry, and why.
Disappointment. I’m just guessing here, but autistic people, in order to behave normally, need to plan ahead. We love routine, and we hate unpredictable situations, so we try to have all possibilities covered in our heads.
Mistakenly, we often presume something will go as planned, and ignore the possibility that they won’t. This may be connected to the second reason, below.
My best example is food. If I am told that dinner will be lamb chops, and all day long that is in the back of my mind, I expect lamb chops. If what I actually have is different, I get angry. Even though it makes no material difference to my world, I get angry. Even if it is replaced with something I like more, say lamb shanks, I get angry. Of course yelling and throwing the new meal on the floor benefits nobody.
Failure. We different people tend to do the things we do well very, very well. When we fail to live up to our own expectations, we can get upset. Think John McEnroe or Nick Kyrgios – high achievers who still get upset when things were less than perfect.
That’s OK. But what is much, much worse is when you get criticised for something you believe you did well, or ethically, or somebody else caused the failure. This is rare, but when it happens, I simply do not cope.
I know yelling won’t help, and crying is just embarrassing, so I walk away. I literally walk away. On multiple occasions I have walked out from a job, never saying a word and never returning. Losing income is better than the alternatives. I left an early marriage the same way.
Every time I have been punched, I simply walk away. It is the best outcome.
If I ever “snap” because of things going wrong in my life, me not reaching my own expectations, I already know my response. I will walk, and keep going, probably with no destination in mind.