I’ve never really tried to quantify this, as my philosophy is don’t worry about things you cannot change.
The last time I did this exercise, it revolved around regrets, things I would change in my past, upon reflection. I found only three, in my entire life. One was a relationship with a woman that I should not have, scared of never finding anyone else. One was ending a relationship with a different woman who was perhaps was the love of my life but I was scared. And one was not living near my grandmother, who I adored but only met up with annually.
I would consider it impossible to imagine my un-autistic self, it is like imaging your kids with a different birth mother. But I can give it a whirl. I have non-autistic family – sister, uncles and aunties, cousins, and my own kids (for the most part). To serve as examples with some of the same genes.
Sport
I was exceptional sport, and autism was a clear negative. In tennis, in my teens, there was a ladder, and to advance you had to challenge someone higher up. I never did, too “shy”. In athletics I made the Auckland finals (200 metres), well I qualified 10th equal. I was too “shy” to work out who to ask about it, so I never attended the final.
In rugby I was precocious, at 18 I played overseas (on tour) and was probably scoring more tries than any other A grade player in NZ. People came to watch me play. Yet I was too “shy” to join a gym. I walked into one once and fled immediately. And I didn’t socialise with players, coaches and selectors. I was clearly a weirdo who didn’t fit into the culture. I was good enough to play for Counties, and shortly after the code became professional. A career was feasible. Autism hindered my sports.
Work
I have high intelligence, at least when measured by IQ (172 Mensa said…). I’ll never know if that is via autism or not. The most academic/smartest people in my extended family are the autistic ones. I had one cousin who went to university (to “only” become a teacher), I dropped out of technical college (computer programming) and my youngest son wants to be a teacher. And my autistic aunty dropped out of nursing school. That is the entire tertiary education of all my family including cousins, aunts and uncles.
I have no idea what the non-intelligent me would have done as a career. My first job was a clerk at Carter Holt (now Carters), and perhaps I would’ve worked my way up to manager.
I did shit jobs until the internet arrived. Dishwasher, temp, cleaner, carpark attendant. I really enjoyed being a tram conductor and a computer salesman, because I was helpful. That is perhaps nature and not autism. I expect I would’ve had helpful jobs if not autistic. Maybe a teacher or librarian or social worker.
On the plus side, I get computers and the internet. First computer was a ZX81 in, yes 1981, and my first foray into the internet was very early, 1995. M work with and via Google gave me fame and fortune. I went from broke to $600K a year quickly. Google gives me awards. That is from AuDHD, and would not have happened otherwise. It also means I can retire slightly earlier and realise some dreams.
Purpose
The non-autistic me would have been a happy-go-lucky person, with a low paid but rewarding job, and a lovely ordinary wife and kids. No extremes, no torment, no confusion, and nothing to write home about.
Pre internet I dabbled at writing and got drunk a lot and was basically a disillusioned, wasted talent, looking for a reason to exist, with a touch of ego.
Since 1995, aside from work, the internet gave me a way to be part of the world while sitting at home. I started, drove, and finished, the biggest doomsday “cult” of modern times, 2012. Without ever discussing it with anyone in person. I have written books that never would have been published the regular way, the only option a generation ago. I took Freecycle from 1 to 100K members, in Australia, from at home. It was environmentally significant. Both of those led to numerous media appearances, even documentaries, breakfast tv etc. Because the internet gave my autistic enthusiasm a platform.
And now, I still have a lot more to give to society whether it wants it or not. And it only is because of my disorder, and the internet.
Which Would I Choose?
My younger self – teens and 20s – was very mentally unwell and sometimes suicidal. It is fate I am still here, luck. I was tortured. It was hell. I would never wish that on anyone. I would choose not to have had that. Give me a boring, content, regular life, no question.
If I compare the me who made it to 60, with the non-autistic me of the same age I imagine, then it is a draw. Family matters most and both versions have that and we are both proud and happy and grateful. Money matters to neither of us. That just leaves legacy. I have yet to make a substantial enough positive effect on the wide world to consider anything a legacy. So I will keep trying, and maybe autism is the winner.