I am realising that the coping mechanism of dampening inputs, goes beyond lessening autistic responses.
I don’t know if my OCD is a part of the autism, but the dampening helps it enormously.
Just like regular people stop hearing repetitive noises after prolonged exposure, my brain has learned to dampen all inputs (sounds, smells, physical sensations, interactions with people) so that I can cope.
My OCD is real, but rarely externalised beyond quite common traits like straightening things or fidgeting. I am obsessed with removing stray hairs that are missed from shaving… but nothing detrimental to me or too obvious to others.
I have had phases though, like not stepping on cracks – but they always disappear, even after years – though they are always there waiting to return, hiding around the corner.
The worst were suicidal thoughts, because I am not suicidal, I’m about as far from that as anyone can be. But once the thought enters my head, it can be persistent, in specific situations.
My fear of heights is pretty much a fear that I could choose to jump.
At train stations, for years, I would hold onto a post in case I decided to jump in front of a train. I wasn’t wanting to, but I feared that I might choose to. Two different things.
I had the same when driving, the idea that I could cross over into oncoming traffic. On occasions I would have to pull over… the equivalent of grabbing a post at the train station.
My OCD is primarily internal – repetitive thoughts. They are mostly an annoyance, thinking the same thing in the same situation, for no benefit. Every time it is my turn to play online Scrabble with Deborah, I hear the chorus of the T Rex song of the same name. Multiply that by hundreds of every day situations and if you put a regular person in my head, they would instantly go insane.
I have to read every sign I walk past, even though I already know what it says.
I have often thought about being a stalker. Every possibility on the spectrum of good/evil crosses my mind at some time, that I could do or be something good or evil. Evil is more dramatic and interesting to think about.
But here’s the thing – nothing catches on, I don’t externalise much, and I cope with the persistent thoughts. They are a lingering oddity, that are always there. I think I have got off lightly because my brain dampens everything, including the obsessive, repetitive thoughts.
The dampening is also detrimental:
- I am crap at cooking, I don’t pay attention. My desire to pay attention is dampened
- I couldn’t pay attention at school. Some kids/teachers thought I was always stoned. No, I was simply dampening inputs
- I don’t notice romantic advances. Because I could obsessively get things wrong, I have dampened that input. I literally have said no to someone inviting me back to their place for a cup of tea. So women have to really make it clear and obvious
- Likewise I don’t make advances, it is necessarily something that has been dampened, otherwise I would become the serial hitting-on-women pest creep we all dislike
- A few times in dangerous/emergency situations I calmly observe instead of reacting, responding or helping – this is not good
These are all things that in theory I can actively overcome. For example, on occasion I let myself feel emotions when watching the news. Without the dampening I would cry every time I watched the news – but I do seem to let it happen sometimes.
Gun to my head could I concentrate while cooking and not overcook/burn something? Absolutely.
